A new chapter?

In the last week or so, when people ask the typical small talk questions (What’s up? What’s new? How’s it going? etc.), I don’t really have much to say. In July I let myself spin out of control and crash on the pavement a bit. And now. Well. I’m over it. Every so often I let a couple things cross my mind and let myself feel a temporary jolt of jealousy, anger, or fear. But, for the most part, yes, I’m over it. And being over it feels kind of “blank”. I feel like I don’t have many feelings right now. It’s like I’m in the boring exposition of a new story. Sometimes in these cases, I have some idea of where I want this new chapter (or book? I don’t know how exactly my life is organized in book metaphor world) to go. In this case however, I don’t even have the makings of a book jacket figured out. I’m just kind of  hovering, waiting around for some stimulus to start some kind of reaction or direction in me.

I find these times are good for really working on self improvement and going after goals that have been on the back burner for a while. And I’m tentatively starting that journey. Or, at least thinking about it . I want something to happen. But, I think I have to start doing stuff and stop waiting. Waiting feels so empty.

Some things that are crossing my mind are going ‘balls to the walls’ on the whole triathlon goal. I keep going in spurts of discipline and indifference. Imagine what I could do if this became a real priority instead of a pipe dream?

Another goal is to get better at being a host and planning fun-tivities. I’m starting that one tonight by having people over for a little wine/painting party. I’ve decided to call this event “A Night of Pretention.” There will even be people around to jam on their guitars.

Another goal (or dream because it seems so impossible) is to reduce my caffeine dependence. During my qualifying exam period I let myself fall a little deeper in this addiction, and even know my head is ouchy and cloudy from wanting more than I let myself have. It’s so hard to quit when I feel like this. But, I want it….I just don’t want the weeks of zombie bitch Karen that will come with it.

I guess, this is a start. But even this doesn’t leave me feeling super perky and excited. Meh. Hopefully this ‘story’ picks up soon : ).

On July

There’s no real delicate way to put this: July has been a pretty shitty month for the Karen. Lots of small things, a couple medium things. Disappointments. I feel like I had a pretty delusional idea of where things were headed in my life and then a lot of those things got shaken up. I’m trying to cling to my faith, and take comfort in the fact that there’s a better plan (ie God’s plan) that will make the things I wanted seem uber lame years from now. I’m trying to act like a lady who has  faith and not let fears and doubts bubble up to the surface of  my mind. I know I have more than everything I need to deal right now and be happy. I hate when I get in these seasons where I just feel like stuff is screwed up and I have a hard time accepting it. I keep looking back. I keep picking the scab. Insert more metaphors.

I think it’s human nature to do these things. Even so, I am mad at myself for not totally just accepting the peace my faith can give me/has given me. I feel that peace for a while and then just decide that … peace is boring, I guess, and lose it for a bit. I let myself sink into a negative emotion because part of me just…doesn’t want to move on? It doesn’t make sense, but I can feel it happening.

My professional life is going pretty awesomely right now actually. It’s the other things that have some bumps in the road. I have lots of great friends who I don’t think I deserve half the time. I just want more. And, I consciously know it’s dumb and I should just relax and live in the moment. But, I want more just the same. I want to flip a few chapters in my story to double check that this new path I’m on is pretty good. Unfortunately, that’s not what faith is. I have to slowly read this story line by line and believe that the ending will be worth the chapter of conflict I’m in right now.

My past has taught me that this is generally the case. But all the same – when you are in these chapters it’s hard to ride it out. I feel restless. I feel impatient. I feel disappointed.

And…I feel bad for feeling bad. I really am blessed. A homeless guy on my street has asked me to give him something to eat a couple times this past week. How can I feel so bummed when I have more than enough to eat all the time? I mean, my apartment is burning up right now, but all in all my life is pretty friggin comfortable.

I try to avoid posts like this here in my happy blog space. But, I think I just want to start being totally real, and use this blog to be whatever I want it to be. And right now I just need to vent a bit and just be human. I know things will get better.

An interlude at home

So, I’m back in WV for a few days, and honestly, I’m quite bored at the moment. That’s the con to being an extrovert. I really thrive by being around people. And, there’s not a whole lot of that right now. Most of my home town peeps are elsewhere at the moment. I usually try to plan my trips home to get me the most bang and see lot of people, but that didn’t work out so well this time. I have a wedding to go to tomorrow, which should be fun. It’s actually been 6 months to the day since I’ve last made the trip home. I’m pretty sure this is the longest period of time to date that I’ve stayed away. I actually think this is a really good sign. I’m laying down roots, enjoying my new life in C-ville, and feeling less need to escape to the familiar.

My parents are good people, but we don’t really have much in common. Sometimes that feels isolating. But, I’ve learned in the last year or so to really manage my expectations and not get too worked up about not having the same kind of familial relationships other people have. My relationship with my mom has slowly gotten better over the last several years and my relationship with my dad will probably never be fully what I want. I used to think he didn’t care, but I think he just shows it in different, non-obvious ways like…washing my car this morning!

My parents will likely never get me. Never get why I want to spend so many years in school, why I want to be a vegetarian, or work out so much, or keep myself so busy, or run off to live in cities. But, I appreciate all they gave me to get me here to the person I am today. While I feel like I have pretty much nothing in common with most of my family, I know they gave me a lot, and always have my back. This is a lot more than most people can say. So I guess I’ll get over the fact we are not going to hang out much or talk every day on the phone about personal things in my life.

Being at home makes me realize how much I miss living in such a nice house. I forgot water pressure could be so intense and amazing. And air conditioning…ohhhhh air conditioning! Ice machines. and Washer and drier on site. So good.

Being in Charleston makes me miss Charlottesville. I love how health conscious the city is. Charleston is bigger and also surrounded by mountains, but Charlottesville is more full of life and vim. I’m so glad I live there. Being away this time makes me realize that somewhere in the last 6 months it really became my home and a part of me. I love it.

Well, tomorrow is a wedding of a friend from high school! Man, we are totally old enough for these adult things. I guess I feel that way, but at the same time I still feel like a kid .

June Happenings

The moment I had been dreading for months has come and gone, and I’m still here. It’s funny how it usually works out that way. I know this too…and I try to use that to make the freak out attenuate, with often minimal results.

So, June 13 was my qualifying exam, or comprehensive exam, or comps, or quals…whatever name you call it, just as ‘fun.’ The basic premise is that a week before the ‘exam’ I get a few questions that I have to spend a week preparing answers to. Then on the actual day I give the answers orally to 4-5 faculty members (my committee!) and they ask me lots of follow up questions trying to shake me. The idea is to see if you’re “capable of independent research.” Honestly, it feels more like a hazing ritual, with faculty trying to put you in your place. At least, that’s kind of how I thought it would go down.

That week, I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard in my life. We’re talking like 12-15 hour days for 7 days straight. That’s something I never thought I would have the mental discipline to do. But, I learned fear is a surprisingly good motivator . I rocked my little nook in the libary.

My exam went better than my wildest dreams. I felt really good about how I did, and I passed with no real critiques. I think God totally just took over once I entered that room. I was so nervous I thought I was going to pass out or vomit…or some disgusting mixture of the two. But, as soon as I entered the room, it all just went away and I did my thang. And yeah, it went so well. I can’t believe it. But I feel good. The thing I was most worried about was letting my advisor down, and I think he was proud of my ‘performance.’ : )

My desk after the test. My labmate and roommate were sweet

A surprising thing was how long it took me to get over that week. I think I was running on adrenaline and shotty sleep, and once a day had passed, and the hormones went away, I felt like a zombie. And it took a while for me to be able to sleep in and recover. But I think I’m finally there. I just had to summon the energy to kick my ass in the gym until I passed out .

But there you go, I’m a Ph.D. Candidate officially now. Holla?!

My first photo as an official Ph.D. candidate. This is the face of a girl who after 20 years is done with classes for ever!

The beginning of the stress relief/celebration process!

Now a new journey of getting lots of research done that will make a thesis for me begins!

Saturday musings of the concussed

Being alone drives me crazy.

I’m a total extrovert. I don’t know how obvious it is, because I’m a shy extrovert, but I thrive when people surround me.

After spending 3 days in ‘captivity’ in my room, I’m slowly going insane. I feel restless. I feel like I’m wasting my life. I know this is totally an over reaction, but, ALAS! Here we are.

Sometimes I also struggle with the fact that this blog is not anonymous. It makes me bite my tongue (or fingertips?) in a lot of instances. It makes me be vague when I don’t want to be. While maybe it makes me less entertaining, it’s probably good I only write things that are fit for the world to see. I can’t really think of that reason right now, but it’s a general feeling I have. I do think it makes me be less emo (more sunny) to have my identity stamped to my ramblings.

I have a total crush on this guy, ya know. He keeps intruding my thoughts today. I keep thinking of the last time I saw him and he hugged me, and I wish it could have lasted longer. I’m REALLY not a huggy person, but I could get used to his. I keep thinking about how he is a genuinely nice guy…how I notice sweet things about him that I wish I could tell him without sounding like a blubbering idiot. I love how he makes an effort to connect to new people even though sometimes I have a tiny pang of jealousy when he does. I love when he smiles at me, or laughs at me from across the room when I have a clumsy/awkward moment. Yes, I have a crush, and I think he does too…I just wish something would start happening there. Maybe it has, and in a few months I’ll read this post again and laugh to myself. I just get frustrated sometimes not being able to see inside his head. And, I guess I’m scared too.

I wish I could dance tonight, but I should do the smart thing and continue to rest and protect my brain. God knows I have few physical talents to offer to the job market. I plan on breaking bank with my brain, so I should take care of her. Ahhh, responsibility!

Hope you are are having exciting memorial day weekends

Yours,

Restless in C-ville.

Concussed again?

Yep. Here I am in my bed chilling out with another concussion. It’s more mild than last time, but it was weird because the symptoms had pretty delayed onset or something. I hit my head pretty hard on Tuesday night before I went to bed, felt pretty fine yesterday, and this morning felt really nauseated and disoriented. Also, my head hurt. Having gone through this before, and feeling a bump on my head, I was kind of paranoid and decided to get checked out for peace of mind (and student health is free for grad students, woo! not even a co-pay!). The doctor gave me a neuro exam, made me feel like less of an idiot for coming in, but gave me some peace of mind that I was ok…probably just some kind of second concussion syndrome type thing, where since I’ve had a recent concussion it’s easier for me to get another one. Fun right? I was instructed to take a mental and physical break, and “not think too hard about anything.” It’s a little boring to be honest.

I feel ok – just tired, and kind of dizzy and shaky when i stand up. My head hurts, but it’s not as bad as last time. I’m confident I should bounce back pretty fast. It’ll be hard not working out! I really planned on getting some stress relief sprints today : /.

Today in my boredom I watched the movie “eat pray love.” Do yourself a favor and DONT watch it if you haven’t. So boring. I’m disappointed in Julie – I expect better from her.

But yeah. I’m just chilling. And bored!

I want an estate…..

So, This past week has been pretty eventlicious- and as an extrovert, that’s kind of how I like it. It’s been crazy stormy around central VA recently, so outdoor workouts haven’t been happening as often as I’d like them to now that classes are over (for ever!). It was seriously like as soon as I finished my last final, we’ve been in constant downpour status. And, i’m not always the bravest ‘storm trooper,’ if you will.

But, when life gives you water….uhhh….go inside? Yeah, so I did a mini indoor tri to just see how it would feel to do all three things back to back. Of course, I took a detour in the hot tub for 15 minutes between the swim and bike leg, because the hot tub is my best motivation to get swim workouts in. I did ~45 minutes of the swim (so about 1250 meters) and bike legs (ehhh ~ 15 miles), and a short couple laps around the track for the hell of it.

Swimming in my new suit! It's amazing having straps that stay up.

Bike leg - I'm holding up an 'L' because I think this is the lamest pic I've ever taken.

Running leg - which I kept PRETTY short : ) I'm in chronic need of new shoes.

While the indoor tri was kind of lame, it was also exhausting and fun! You gotta stay motivated somehow when mother nature is feeling hormonal.

This weekend was a blast though, Friday I had some coworkers over to play games and have some drinks. We had fun with fishbowl, catch phrase, and apples to apples. Oh, and somehow I was convinced to do a shot at some point. I guess that’s what Fridays are for?!

cheers?

Saturday I biked a bit and went to a church picnic – which included some ultimate frisbee! I love ultimate, but didn’t love really competitive boys who didn’t seem to want to even out girls and boys on the teams. Our team lost by quite a large margin, but at least we looked good doing it : ) . P.S. What is it about ultimate that makes me groin muscles hurt for days after?! I can hardly move today. I guess my muscles are REALLY not used to running in anything other than a straight line.

And Sunday I went to a wine festival at Ash Lawn (former president James Madison’s estate) with a few of my favorite ladies. I decided that I kind of want an estate – how awesome would it be to have a huge chunk of land to lounge around on, read classy books, drink wine, and laugh with my gal pals. Wine festivals are also all kinds of amazing. You get to get a little day buzz in a beautiful place, wearing a sun dress, and being with good friends. GOOD times indeed : )

After tasting everything we got a bottle of our favorite rose' of the evening to sip outside.

the gang!

I capped off the weekend at a movie night to watch a classic Clint Eastwood western: the good the bad and the ugly.

I’m so glad I watched this classic movie. The music in it is iconic, and now I’m in on the background I guess. Though, the movie probably needed a couple other songs: I was tired of the theme by the middle, but it came around again in excitement at the climax! I often need peer pressure to watch ‘good’ movies…otherwise I’m going to watch Star Wars or a chick flick as a kind of mental detox thing. While I’d VERY rarely sit down and watch a classic film, I’m always glad I did. In light of this, me and my roommate have talked about being that peer pressure for each other. Any first recommendations for us? I’ve always had the intent of going through imdb’s user rated top 250, but have made poor progress so far.

MMMM, this was quite the mix bag of a post. In other vague news, I’m feeling very frustrated with a lot of things in my life right now. I’m the kind of person who likes to go after what I want. And I feel that I’m in a situation that is requiring a lot of patience and unknowns. I’m having trouble trusting that it’s going to work out….or knowing what I should do…if anything. That’s been the kind of downside to an otherwise exciting weekend. Hopefully I figure something out soon with this – I think I just reached the max frustration point where I need to change my current course of action.

Peace,

Karen

The Missing Piece?

I hint a lot (maybe too much?) about how I changed my life in 2010. But, maybe I’ve never really layed out everything I did to make that happen – especially since with my crazy schedule I’m not always the most regular blogger. How is December 2009 Karen really different from May 2011 Karen? Switching to a vegetarian diet and getting in to working out (biking especially, as well as running and swimming) are the two big things I’ve focused on in my writings in this space. These things have given me energy and confidence. Another interesting stat is that in 2009 I got sick a lot. I probably had 5 or so serious colds and was hospitalized on Christmas for a particularly bad case of strep. Oh, and let’s not forget my concussion. Since 2010 I’ve only had 1 minor cold that only lasted like 1 day. I think this is a particularly amazing statistic and probably non-coincidental. I used to be a girl who caught every cold in a 15 foot radius. My immune system is kicking butt these days : ).

Another one has been getting out of my comfort zone to meet new people and try out new activities. Not all of these have been winners, but after a year or so of doing this I’m finally starting to stick with a couple things that make me happy: Biking and swing dance.

But a big one I’ve never mentioned is figuring out my beliefs. I started going to church again in 2010 after a pretty long hiatus after high school. I always felt I had a pretty strict upbringing, and after following all the rules for 18 years I just had that time I think a lot of people go through in college where they just want to experience what it’s like to have no rules. During this time I did things that I can’t believe were me. I like to think of that Karen as some kind of weird doppelganger – she looks like me but is unrecognizable in so many ways. There are stories from the past that literally make no sense in my head. As a result, I really rode the highs and lows in my life. One week I was on top of the world and the next I was crashing and burning. I dated jerks who didn’t respect me, and honestly, I probably didn’t respect a good majority of them either. My self esteem came from others and worldly things. I worried about things more. I let anxiety get the better of me a lot.

There were a couple times in college I tried to get that back. I think that’s the good thing about being raised in a Christian home – when I crashed and burned I did think about going back to church and figuring out my beliefs. But it never stuck. I never found a place I was comfortable with for the long haul. I found most Christians seemed like ‘scary happy people.’ And that sketched me out at the time.

But in the middle of 2010 I got in a pretty scary car accident. It was then that I remembered how really fragile life here is, and that if I wanted to figure out what I believed….if I wanted to change my life, then I better do it now. Because, it’s never going to get any easier to do these things than it is right now. I was in the trap that I think a lot of people are, where you just think you’ll have time to do X later….but ‘monday’ never comes. Coincidentally at around the same time I ended up having a conversation about God during a thunder storm with a new friend, and before I knew it I was invited to church and a small group.

From July 2010 to now, I’ve really gone on quite an exciting faith journey. In the beginning, I had a pretty shaky faith based on science, actually. I believed in God because the world was just too beautiful and complicated to happen without some guidance in evolution. But all the ‘Jesus stuff’ – I just didn’t feel excited about it like all other Christians do.

But somehow over the last year – by really working on my faith, praying, learning, reading, and talking to others – I dunno – I feel it, and my faith has made me a happy person. I don’t see Christianity as a list of ‘rules’ anymore. I see it as wisdom for living the happiest life you can on Earth – a toolkit I guess. I find when I follow Jesus’s rules I’m happier. I find that I’ve gained waaaaay more than I’ve sacrificed. I find that I am kind of becoming one of those scary happy people, but that it’s a pretty great way to be. When I hint at 2009 Karen to new friends, most can’t imagine a Karen that isn’t bubbly with excitement. I kind of love that. Through the last year I’ve really tried to exercise those faith muscles, and as a result can hear and feel God more than I ever could. All of this is so strange and new, but awesome at the same time. So here I am…writing it all down because I just felt like a big piece of the puzzle was missing here.

I’m also partially writing this because in conversations with other over the last few weeks I’ve realized so many people my age are in the same boat I was before. And because of this, I feel like my story is important, and maybe someday it will help someone think about putting the work into figuring out their beliefs again. It’s easy to get stuck and complacent. And I’m glad my world got shaken up a bit so I could find this happy place. Anyway : ) ! Peace!

Thoughts post Turk Mountain Hike

Dear Blog world,

Hello! Despite my best intentions I have abandoned you this year. It’s semi-ironic really – I started this blog because I wanted to change my life in 2010. And, I did. I really did. I feel like a totally different person than I was a little over a year ago. In fact, I think it’s so amazing I would talk anyone’s ear off about it if they would let me. And if I could summarize the things that have made me change the most, it would be throwing myself into situations that I never thought I’d be able to get to the other side of before (Ex: Newbie bike rider vs. 1000 feet ascent). I think it’s forcing yourself to try things that seem impossible and then coming out on the other side that changes you from the inside out. It’s made me a much more confident and happy person and better able to go after what I want.

So it’s for this reason I like ‘extreme’ workouts. And this past weekend I went on a kind of extreme hike. This hike was easily 2.5 times the length of the longest hike I’d ever been on before. It was a 10.5 mile 2400 ft. ascent hike in shenandoah national park. Much like that fateful august 1 bike ride, there was a point halfway up that mountain that I really just didn’t think I could take anymore of it, and the end seemed no where in sight. My quads burned, I was hot, dripping with set, and my heart was pounding. But, you know what, I did it and this view was my reward:

Don’t you wish you could eat lunch there every day?!

Some good things about going on that long of a hike (~5 hours), is that you really get a good ‘real world’ detox by the end of it. It’s a great mental cleanse. And this hike was pretty solitude-licious, which is good for even the extrovert like me every so often.

The most fun part of this hike were the stream crossings. The friend I went with had to work together to get to the other side (it’s a good thing we’re both dancers). It was nice little problem solving and trust building exercise.

But anyway, I think I have a new addiction forming. My legs killed me the next couple days, but I think that just makes me want to go on another long hike soon even more. When you work out hard, the muscles you’re using break themselves and rebuild over the next couple days – stronger than before. I think that happens with your mind too – every time you push your limit an inch or two more. You keep building yourself back up stronger than before. I really think that’s been the key to my success post 2010, and I look forward to continuing to redefine just what I’m capable of : ).

Anyway, I look forward to trying to blog more regularly now that classes are more or less over. I’ve actually been quite busy this past semester – getting involved in a few new things. I look forward to dishing soon! <3

A Birthday Story

I hate planning things. And I guess as I side note, I’m totally insecure about things. Whatever ‘things’ are. I think that’s just a typical girl thing, but at the same time I hide and fight my insecurities constantly. I like to think I surprise people when I am vulnerable enough to share them with others. Of course, I may totally be kidding myself on that one.

My birthday was this past week. The big 24! I’m like totally in my mid 20′s now. Aging is a pretty slow process, so I didn’t feel all of a sudden different to wake up on Monday and be 24…but it is odd. I feel like my life is nothing like I thought it would be at 24. I thought that when you were 24 you would be a real person. I still feel like a work in progress, and I like that most days. I’m starting to think maybe you never feel like a real person….you just get better at faking it around the younger masses.

But to relate paragraph 1 of this post to paragraph 2 in some way – I rarely do things for my birthday. My birthday usually falls before a midterm or during spring break when everyone’s gone. Also, I just hate planning. Planning makes me insecure. I care way too much about what everyone is thinking/feeling/reacting to something I planned to begin to enjoy myself. But, since I was studying for a midterm on my actual birthday this year I decided I should try to do something fun and planned a little get together of sorts at my place for this weekend.

After sending out the e-mail – I realized hardly anyone could come…or they just didn’t respond. And that kind of just made me feel like crap – more like crap than I’d like to admit. So I ended up canceling….thinking of going with a smaller plan….thinking about canceling all together? The devil just got all tangled and twisty in my brain. I’d thought things were going so much better here in my new hood. I’d thought that I had this awesome network of friends and here I was just feeling hurt, rejected, and just…well…more alone than I thought I was. The insecurity oozed out of me unencombered.

Things got tough and I retreated in my shell, feeling a little banged up and worse for the wear.

So I go to work Saturday, just kind of trying to forget about it all. And by the time I was about to leave I got a call from a friend here and the whole thing had just been replanned without me and was all taken care of…and people were going to be there. It was kind of like a surprise but not really because I planned it first surprise party or something. And another friend brought awesome wine and made cheese dip and a delicious cake. All of a sudden I felt so loved. The evening was great. People had fun. I had fun. And the wounds of doubt and angst were plugged up.

My birthday this year did make me realize that good/true friends are a rarity…but that I have them. And I am very blessed. Thank you to everyone who made me feel loved by sending greetings, making treats, and/or just being a light in my life.