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A Birthday Story

I hate planning things. And I guess as I side note, I’m totally insecure about things. Whatever ‘things’ are. I think that’s just a typical girl thing, but at the same time I hide and fight my insecurities constantly. I like to think I surprise people when I am vulnerable enough to share them with others. Of course, I may totally be kidding myself on that one.

My birthday was this past week. The big 24! I’m like totally in my mid 20’s now. Aging is a pretty slow process, so I didn’t feel all of a sudden different to wake up on Monday and be 24…but it is odd. I feel like my life is nothing like I thought it would be at 24. I thought that when you were 24 you would be a real person. I still feel like a work in progress, and I like that most days. I’m starting to think maybe you never feel like a real person….you just get better at faking it around the younger masses.

But to relate paragraph 1 of this post to paragraph 2 in some way – I rarely do things for my birthday. My birthday usually falls before a midterm or during spring break when everyone’s gone. Also, I just hate planning. Planning makes me insecure. I care way too much about what everyone is thinking/feeling/reacting to something I planned to begin to enjoy myself. But, since I was studying for a midterm on my actual birthday this year I decided I should try to do something fun and planned a little get together of sorts at my place for this weekend.

After sending out the e-mail – I realized hardly anyone could come…or they just didn’t respond. And that kind of just made me feel like crap – more like crap than I’d like to admit. So I ended up canceling….thinking of going with a smaller plan….thinking about canceling all together? The devil just got all tangled and twisty in my brain. I’d thought things were going so much better here in my new hood. I’d thought that I had this awesome network of friends and here I was just feeling hurt, rejected, and just…well…more alone than I thought I was. The insecurity oozed out of me unencombered.

Things got tough and I retreated in my shell, feeling a little banged up and worse for the wear.

So I go to work Saturday, just kind of trying to forget about it all. And by the time I was about to leave I got a call from a friend here and the whole thing had just been replanned without me and was all taken care of…and people were going to be there. It was kind of like a surprise but not really because I planned it first surprise party or something. And another friend brought awesome wine and made cheese dip and a delicious cake. All of a sudden I felt so loved. The evening was great. People had fun. I had fun. And the wounds of doubt and angst were plugged up.

My birthday this year did make me realize that good/true friends are a rarity…but that I have them. And I am very blessed. Thank you to everyone who made me feel loved by sending greetings, making treats, and/or just being a light in my life.

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2 Responses

  1. Glad you felt loved, cuz you definitely are! 🙂

  2. Yes to the insecurities. I mean, boo to them, but yes to understanding them. So glad things worked out. Good friends are the best thing ever.

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