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A new chapter?

In the last week or so, when people ask the typical small talk questions (What’s up? What’s new? How’s it going? etc.), I don’t really have much to say. In July I let myself spin out of control and crash on the pavement a bit. And now. Well. I’m over it. Every so often I let a couple things cross my mind and let myself feel a temporary jolt of jealousy, anger, or fear. But, for the most part, yes, I’m over it. And being over it feels kind of “blank”. I feel like I don’t have many feelings right now. It’s like I’m in the boring exposition of a new story. Sometimes in these cases, I have some idea of where I want this new chapter (or book? I don’t know how exactly my life is organized in book metaphor world) to go. In this case however, I don’t even have the makings of a book jacket figured out. I’m just kind of  hovering, waiting around for some stimulus to start some kind of reaction or direction in me.

I find these times are good for really working on self improvement and going after goals that have been on the back burner for a while. And I’m tentatively starting that journey. Or, at least thinking about it ;). I want something to happen. But, I think I have to start doing stuff and stop waiting. Waiting feels so empty.

Some things that are crossing my mind are going ‘balls to the walls’ on the whole triathlon goal. I keep going in spurts of discipline and indifference. Imagine what I could do if this became a real priority instead of a pipe dream?

Another goal is to get better at being a host and planning fun-tivities. I’m starting that one tonight by having people over for a little wine/painting party. I’ve decided to call this event “A Night of Pretention.” There will even be people around to jam on their guitars.

Another goal (or dream because it seems so impossible) is to reduce my caffeine dependence. During my qualifying exam period I let myself fall a little deeper in this addiction, and even know my head is ouchy and cloudy from wanting more than I let myself have. It’s so hard to quit when I feel like this. But, I want it….I just don’t want the weeks of zombie bitch Karen that will come with it.

I guess, this is a start. But even this doesn’t leave me feeling super perky and excited. Meh. Hopefully this ‘story’ picks up soon : ).

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